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How to Bare One’s Soul Without Showing One’s Ass

If you mine back into my earlier blog posts, you will find Bouncing Baby Blogger Micah broaching some dangerous personal territory: allegations of emotional abuse, TMI disclosures, and questionable editorial judgement.

It is no fun for the other parties involved when they see themselves depicted in an unflattering or downright nasty light. I tried to be fair, and I tried to find places where I was also at fault, but I know that I have a persistent self-righteous streak. In print, this comes across as, “Look at how fair and objective I’m being, but really he’s awful.” Such posts also come off as passive-aggressive when you know that your reading audience is largely limited to people who know the exact identity of this unnamed bad guy.

In my defense, I started a blog to indulge the idea of having a potentially worldwide readership. Anyone in the world could type in ten characters on their browser and have access to my words. It’s a thrilling conceit. But in the real world, anonymity is harder to come by. They knew who I was talking about.

So I laid off those types of personal posts to keep peace in my relationships.

But I’m tired of that. I want to speak my mind. I don’t just think about the news cycle and politics and the common good. And I can only comment so much about pop culture. How do I proceed? How do I bare my soul without… well, you read the title of the post.

I’m blessed to have a partner who, as a general rule, doesn’t mind what I do or say. He regards me as a totally autonomous human, and he is self-possessed enough not to feel lessened by anything others say about him. If I were to get into confessional mode, he would be the most exposed. I assert this only because of the closeness of our relationship–these confessions could be good, bad, or indifferent and simply embarrassing.

Still, it’s bad business to discuss one’s personal issues on a blog when you haven’t articulated them to the affected party. And believe me, something would come tumbling off my keyboard and onto the internet that I hadn’t hashed out with him–there’s no stopping that without some deliberate effort. And my other friends–they are more sensitive and would not appreciate my oversharing their lives, even “anonymously.”

I don’t expect to resolve this issue in a blog post. But I do appreciate you all brainstorming with me.

Maybe this is the jump-off point for my career as a novelist! I could channel all my relationship anxieties into a fictional character and then spend the entire book tour downplaying the autobiographical elements of my novel and their connection to this stray blog post I just happened to write before I started work on my novel.

Maybe I start a totally anonymous blog elsewhere where I expose my innermost secrets. Then my readership could be absolutely zero, since I would have no way to promote it without attaching it to my bankable personality. Or I could call the site Deep Dark Secrets of My Life… Acted Out by Cute Kitties who Misspell Words. (I Can Haz Long-Term Relationship?!)

Nope… I think I should continue to post as myself and post my real-life concerns. If there’s something personal that I’m itching to post, I will vet it with anyone mentioned in the post.

*Sigh* I guess that’s the only responsible thing to do, even though it violates my lifelong policy of just putting words down on paper and not doing any additional legwork.

Chalk it up to my growth as  a writer in 2018.




At the Mercy of Experts

Without making direct reference to the turmoil in the executive branch of the US government, the whole situation in Washington makes for an interesting (if terrifying) experimental control for one of our baseline assumptions about the functioning of government, business, and society.

Does having experts in charge of things really lead to a better result?

Examining my own professional career, I have always made it a point to make myself an expert in whatever job I find myself. “Expert” would have seemed like a presumptuous word for the younger me, but after several entry-level jobs and over a decade as a trained business professional, I now realize that expert-level performance is simply what I have always recognized as learning my job.

When you spend even 20 hours a week doing the same thing, it behooves you to invest some effort in understanding what you’re doing–that standard has always existed as a given to me. Even now, after *incoherent mumbling* years in the workforce, it still shocks me when I see manifestations of the opposite standard. (Namely, “I’m only here to fill space and do what I’m instructed to do and not one thing more.”)

In some ways, I have more respect for slackers who explicitly don’t care whether the job is done than for people whose version of responsibility is to maintain a short-sighted checklist of duties that will keep them from getting fired. At least the slacker’s philosophy  is internally consistent. Maintaining the self-righteous air of “I’m doing my job”–and its dangerous corollary, “that’s not my job”–while not comprehending the import or context of your job, says to me that you’re only interested in checking the boxes, punching the clock, and going home. That’s not meaningful job ownership.

You can be useful in some work environments while checking the boxes. If you don’t poke your head out of the checkbox, however, you won’t be able to confirm whether that is the case.

So goes my philosophy of work. But have I made my various workplaces over the years better places to work? Have I made them more profitable? Have I made the world any better by being an expert?

Does the world work better with experts in charge?

On its face, this is a nonsensical question. An expert, by definition, is someone who understands how to do something better than someone who is not an expert. If you’re not adding value, you lose your expert label.

Looking just a little deeper into the definition of “expert,” you’ll find the disconnect that Republicans and anti-establishment types love to exploit.

(I did not want to inject politics into this discussion, but the irony of Republicans presenting as “anti-establishment” at this upside-down point in history is too delicious to not note in a parenthetical comment.)

I can be an accounting expert and walk into the door of your company and give you a bunch of expert accounting opinions that will sink your business. Also, I can be an expert in a highly speculative field, and I can just be wrong, even with all my expertise. Investment advisors would fall into this category.

So the two holes in the airtight loop of hiring experts to do jobs they’re experts at doing are: (1) experts’ guesses are no more likely to be right then anyone else’s; and (2) all expertise is not transferable, and some expertise is more transferable than others. I think it’s plausible to explain the outcome of the 2016 presidential election in these two points. Any attempt at a rational explanation of said election clearly has to revolve around the dismissal of expertise as a criterion for performing a job.

What of these two objections? The first is somewhat legitimate, and we can play battling statistics all day to defend or reject the ability of experts to predict the future. I’ll presume a concession–experts can’t reliably tell you what’s going to happen.

The second is pure evasion. If you want to undermine someone’s credibility,  under this argument, simply relabel their expertise as incompatible with the actual job at hand.

Going back to my personalized example, a business owner should not be operating his business based on out-of-context accounting guidance, and an expert accountant would not give unqualified advice that could sink a business he has not taken time to understand. Both parties compromise their expert status by allowing such an event to happen in the first place. An expert knows her place, and hiring experts know what experts to hire for which jobs. This is all built into the system of experts, if I may coin a concept.

The only nagging issue is that no one is an absolute expert. That poor business owner I walked in and bankrupted may have been an otherwise fully qualified expert with a weakness in his understanding of the exact role of an accountant.

Taken together, the only real issue with experts is that they aren’t perfect. The undermining of experts is usually the result of a double-standard. The standard for experts is, “You’re an expert; why did you make a mistake?” The standard for non-experts is, “Look, you got something accomplished! Who needs experts?” Such reasoning makes a 10% success rate for a non-expert superior to a 90% success rate for an expert.

And while experts can’t predict the future, they do know how to respond to unpredicted outcomes. Apart from ladies who wear headscarves and gaze into crystal balls, no one’s exclusive job is to tell you what’s going to happen in the future.

Not unsurprisingly, my conclusion is that the tautology holds. Hiring experts who know the most about how to do their jobs results in better outcomes.

As for me, I do not feel compelled to bore you by rationalizing my value to my current or former employers. I will instead rely on the preponderance of expert research that confirms the value of employees like me, doing what we do well. And a lot of anecdotal evidence that would bore you further.

It’s not really fun for either of us for me to try to prove a tautology. It’s even less fun to entertain toxic ideas that have been given credence by a bend-over-backwards approach to understanding and explaining what’s happened in the public sphere over the past couple of years.

But that’s just me. I’m no expert.

Hapless New Year

It’s a new dawn / It’s a new day / It’s a new life / For me / And I’m feeling good

–Newley and Bricusse (I didn’t know that, either), popularized by Nina Simone


What happens when your New Year’s resolution ruminations backfire? In the process of assessing progress on your major life initiatives, what happens when you end up dwelling on what you haven’t done? The places where the needle hasn’t budged? And even worse, the places where you don’t even feel like you have control of whether the needle budges in the first place?

When I say “your,” of course, I mean “my.” Today and yesterday, as I first considered my options for 2018, I kept my resolutions focused, simple, and understated.

Then I started thinking. That was the beginning of the end.

As I’ve related to numerous friends over the past couple of weeks while nursing a foot injury, I am a hopeless hypochondriac. That mindset spills over into non-medical concerns on a regular basis. Less is wrong with my life than I fear, but any frustrations I feel devolve into a morass of total perceived dysfunction.

But, as Ms. Harmon would say (inside reference for my high school friends), I need some more concrete imagery. Like, Micah, what is the damn problem? How exactly do you feel unfulfilled or unsuccessful?

OK, fine. I want to be more organized. It’s a big psychological deal for me. But my life has gotten so complex over the past few years. I have a partner, an extended family, a large, functioning residence with loads of critters, a professional license, a demanding job, and I still want time to write, read, learn, reflect, and enjoy the things I have accomplished.

And I still want to veg out and watch Food Network, House Hunters, and Golden Girls reruns. And keep up with current pop culture.

I could keep going. But you get the idea. Time is scarce to even begin to organize, much less become organized and stay organized.

And organization is just one of my concerns. There are others. And I’m at that annoying point in my relationship where everything I decide impacts my partner and vice versa. I want to believe I can fix everything alone, because that’s the way I have gotten ahead in the past.

But I need him. And I may need others. Maybe even the critters can help.

Resolutions are almost unquestioningly instituted as solitary endeavors of self-improvement. But every other day of the year, we ask for assistance with our needs. Even if it’s something as simple as “please pass the potatoes,” we organically and socially rely on the courtesies of others to grease the wheels that make our lives run.

That’s possibly the awareness I need to stop my head pounding against the wall. As much as I recoil at the thought of needing assistance to fix “my stuff,” I may need to re-evaluate the ownership of both the stuff and the effort to fix it.

Happy New Year, and how about we keep an eye toward helping each other toward our collective goals? We could call it Twenty Aid-Teen.

Or not, if you think that’s too cutesy.



Sophistry as Conservative Bluster – A Primer


Sophistry – n. a method of argument that is seemingly plausible though actually invalid and misleading
–Collins English Dictionary

Initially, I was quite upset with the above statement blaring in my Facebook feed. And I was upset that it was making me upset. Was it that one of my few social media relationships with family and friends from the rural area where I grew up was being frayed yet again by partisan politics? Partly.

Was it that the statement was smug and self-satisfied? Partly.

As I crafted and discarded response after response to the maddening meme, the whole thing came into focus more clearly. There was a slimy residue of intellectual dishonesty that coated the whole thing. There was no one thing to be upset over–there were actually a multitude of issues here that are bubbling right beneath the calm veneer of the statement. And I wanted to yell at all of them.

First and most significantly, the assertion is based on a false premise that even a fairly thoughtful conservative would be tempted to gobble down indiscriminately. Why, yes, it would in fact be ignorant to blame an inert statue for problems we face in the world today! But… let’s find someone, anyone, who stated that our social problems are the result of Confederate statues. I’ll wait here while you look for someone who said that.

Any rabid liberal worth his or her salt would recite to you a litany of causes for the social issues we face today: systemic racism, the Reagan-incited extinction of the middle-class wage earner, the prison-for-profit system, unfettered corporate lobbying and corporate welfare, insufficient support for at-risk populations, housing discrimination, lack of investment in education and infrastructure, and so on. But statues–probably not on anyone’s list.

So Mr. Nichols’ argument is over before proceeding past the first word. No one “blamed” any statues for anything other than being insensitive. They are not the source of our problems, but they are, I would acknowledge, a side effect of our problems.

(Incidentally, since there’s no value in treating side effects, I will be confiscating Mr. Nichols’ Tylenol pain reliever, Kleenex tissue, and cough syrup the next time he gets a cold. Obviously, by wiping his nose, he’s blaming the mucus for making him sick. Leave that snot exactly where it is!)

The second issue with the statement is how oblivious it is to the implications of arguing irrelevance. If the statues are SO old and SO irrelevant, the argument goes, how could they possibly have any impact on us today? Well, fair enough, but wouldn’t the same argument apply to those claiming that the statues hold historical and cultural value? Such impotent, useless slabs of cheap metal in the shape of soldiers and horses could just as easily be recycled for scrap metal. But something tells me the bandwagon for this argument makes a U-turn when discussing the living relevance of the statues for Southerners. Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways. They’re either old and irrelevant for everyone or they’re not.

Finally, the kicker: “…only highlights the ignorance among us.” This is either ingenious or disingenuous, and I can’t really decide which. It is the point of the post, its only true reason for existing. It’s the cherry on top of the sophistry sundae Mr. Nichols has served up for us. After the fictitious premise builds, expressed with a tone of knowledgeable detachment, it is separated from its conclusion by a thoughtful-looking ellipsis (…), and then concludes with an oh-alas! sigh of resignation at what the state of polite political discourse has come to. “Among us” is a bit of rhetorical genius–it’s a wonderful way to sound non-partisan while really saying only one thing: “Liberals are stupid.” (Or “People who don’t agree with me are stupid.”)

This statement is not part of a real, meaningful dialogue. It’s a soliloquy of hopelessly circular reasoning, where someone contorts a reasonable position (“Confederate statues on public display in shared spaces may be insensitive to certain people and we should consider taking them down”) into an unreasonable position (“We’re going to solve our social problems by taking down some old statues”) and then shaking his reasonable, conservative head at how misguided this position (the one he made up out of thin air, that no one is arguing) is.

The real hat trick here is that the only real ignorance that is being put on display is that of the people who buy this argument in the first place. Nice try, Mr. Nichols, but the ignorance among us, in this instance, is pretty heavily concentrated on your side, and good thing, too, or no one would be sharing your post.

2017 Recap

I figure Labor Day is as good a time as any to get back to my labor of love.

I now re-imagine this blog as more about me than about my readers. Sorry, guys, but if you want to come along for the ride, then 1) welcome; and 2) hang on.

I’ve dawdled along the past few years putting something out here in the blogosphere when something significantly kindled my desire to communicate. That method resulted in spottiness and large gaps of time. And it didn’t encourage the massive following I fantasized about.

So, for now anyway, this is more a journal than anything else. That way I can work on any cohesive written works offline and out of the glare and pressure of the oh-crap-that’s-out-there-now-for-the-world-to-see immediacy that happens when you’re publishing and polishing and editing all at the same time.

I think back to a really early blog post, where I was in super-confessional mode. I exposed the relationship I was in at the time as abusive, or at the very least heavily inferred that it was abusive. I wanted to work without a filter, because what good is heavily filtered writing? I’ve always been careful not to call out folks by name, because I am not in the business of shaming anyone or ruining anyone’s life… but at the same time, it placed my now-ex in an unenviable position of having to defend publicly exposed actions that were easily attributable to him, for anyone who knew either of us personally.

Although I am not going to swear that I will never make personal statements about the people in my life, I may take the route of relegating those statements to personal drafts rather than throwing them up here defiantly.

It’s also very passive-aggressive to air my dirty laundry here. With a virtual zero readership, I can call people out “on the internet,” feel better, and have a public record of my grievance. Meanwhile, I have still been effectively writing to myself.

So, having said all that, let me catch you (me) up on the broad outlines of the year so far. It has been eventful on a personal and on a worldwide front. While I have been wringing my hands along with everyone else over the inept and inert Trump administration, Hurricane Harvey, the neo-Nazis and such in Virginia, and North Korea, life goes on.

In January, I tried to emerge from my year-end funk (and it was a significant funk–my partner was sick during the majority of the last week of the year, dampening my Christmas and New Year’s spirit, and I was still reeling from the presidential election) by turning over a new leaf, most significantly on the diet and exercise front. I began a new, limited-carb diet plan of my own making, started cooking my own meals for the week on Sunday, and modified my gym routine so that I could be consistent and quick, going during lunch instead of venturing down the street for frequent fast-food outings.

I also recommitted myself to reading. To my credit, I’ve read more this year than I have in recent memory, but I have also fallen far short of my initial goals. I think I’ve read five or six books. Truly, it was one of those all-in New Years’ deals (“I resolve to fix EVERYTHING about my life!”), but the diet was the part that stuck.

In February, our basement flooded–twice–and the recovery, repairs, and insurance hassles that brought would preoccupy me for two months. About the same time, our cat Beaker passed away rather suddenly, only three days after we noticed that he was looking frail. I was crushed and inconsolable for some days.

Meanwhile, we were consumed with year-end close (accounting stuff) at my job, so I was expected to be on full alert to handle all the associated issues. I routinely worked weekends at home.

March was no fun as we dealt with all the stuff that happened in February. In April, we capitalized on the foresight we had a couple of months earlier to book a cruise to tide us over (no pun intended) until our super-duper-deluxe cruise in September. We really needed that cruise, and it was low-key one of the best cruises of the seven we’ve been on at this point. Unfortunately, it ended with chemical burns in a whirlpool (as documented in a prior post expose).

At that point, things started looking up, and it’s been a great summer (SO FAR–despite what the advertising world would have you believe, summer ends at the end of September, not the middle of August). In May we flew to Chicago to see Hasahn’s sister Isis graduate from Columbia College (yay!); it was a terrific three-day jaunt through the city. I can’t wait to go back.

At the end of June, I attended my first “in-law” family reunion as part of a three-day trip to Charleston. Just like the Chicago trip, it was quick, it was fun, and it was a welcome break.

July was the month that we hosted two sets of families: first, our roommate/friend Damon’s family descended en masse for one weekend, then, my good friend Anna’s family (six strong, including four kids) came over the next weekend. It was exhausting but rewarding. I am very much about quiet time at home, so such arrangements are a challenge for me, but I persevered.

August saw a trip to Nashville to observe the eclipse and visit with my stepmom. Color us three-for-three in the successful quick weekend trip department. For the first time ever, we stayed in a motel instead of with my stepmom, and it made such a difference. Having the quality time during the day with her and some away time to do what we wanted (even if that just meant sleep) at night and early morning was a perfect balance. I think we all benefitted.

Unfortunately, when we returned, my elder and remaining cat Midnight was in bad shape. She had been getting thinner and was having more trouble keeping food down, but now she was weak and staggering. We took her to the vet the next morning. A couple of days later, we had a diagnosis: cancer. We brought her home on a Thursday, pampered her and loved her as much as we could over the weekend, then took her back to the vet on Monday to be euthanized. Those three days she was back home were heart-wrenching.

That was a week ago, and I’m much better now. In a too-convenient bit of timing, we also went to Nashville to pick up a new kitten from my stepmom. Little Evander will never take Midnight’s place, but at least he is filling that empty physical spot and providing his own unique charms to the household. I know he’s making the transition easier.

And now it’s Labor Day. I have my sights set on getting things right with my writing and my own routines, in addition to staying on top of my work in preparation for a week-and-a-half vacation planned for the very end of the month.

I have slacked a bit with my diet, but apparently the momentum of my hard work the first three months of the year has continued to positively affect my metabolism. I started the year at 188 pounds. The heaviest I weighed myself over the past year was 190 and my default weight for the past few years has been about 185. Prior to our April cruise, I bottomed out at 163; I have been much less strict since all the traveling began, but have stuck to my routine of preparing my own meals and not egregiously eating fast food every day, and I have settled in to a new default weight of about 170. My clothes still seem to fit the same as they did at 163, so I like to tell myself that I’ve added muscle mass from my quick lunch gym outings. Probably not true.

So that’s what’s up with me. I won’t apologize for the lack of focus, because, LIKE I SAID, this is about me now, not you. Hoping to gather material for some future blog posts.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

Mrs. Clinton Goes Away From Washington

Hillary Clinton has emerged from her stinging defeat last November to re-engage with the American public in recent weeks, and the consensus, left and right, is that she shouldn’t be blaming everyone else for her loss in the presidential election.

Well, the consensus is wrong. And I’ll tell you in three parts why everyone needs to shut the hell up about Hillary’s alleged bellyaching.

She Can Do Whatever She Pleases

Perhaps out of habit, we (press, pundits, and opinionated citizens) have been acting like that former boss who continues to give you orders even though you don’t report to him anymore. After decades of being on the American public’s payroll, and being subjected to way more abuse and scrutiny than most of us would tolerate at our own jobs, Hillary is being asked her opinion as a private citizen, and she’s giving it. What part of that is incorrect?

Everyone is wagging their finger at Hillary, essentially, because they need for her to have different opinions than the ones she is currently in possession of.

Explanations are Not Either/Or

With a deciding margin of fewer than 100,000 votes out of over 120 million cast (that’s less than 0.1%), the number of factors that likely swung the election into Hillary’s L column numbers in the dozens. With such a whisper-thin margin, even something innocuous and non-partisan like the weather could have affected the outcome.

If any factor, in isolation, were removed from the set of circumstances around the 2016 presidential election, and that removal would have resulted in the election going the other way, then guess what folks–that’s a justifiable reason for Hillary losing.

I don’t think anyone mired in this conversation would disagree that the factors she has pointed to in recent interviews do not fit that criterion. James Comey’s announcement in late October, in particular, comes to mind. The disagreement at hand is not one of fact, then, it’s one of presentation. Although it is true that Trump-Russia-Comey-blah-blah-blah, she should have run a better campaign so that none of that would have been an issue, and the proper presentation is to own up to one’s mistakes before looking around for scapegoats.

Which brings me to my last point…

Not All Reasons are Equally Acceptable

With the NBA Finals upon us again, I would like to step outside of my comfort zone and use a sports analogy (fortunately, for you, not a very detailed one).

Imagine you’re a Cavs fan (see, I know the informal nickname of the team–I’m not totally clueless) and they lose Game 2 of the series by a score of 98-97. LeBron is not in his usual head space, the team underestimates the Warriors’ offensive game, and Cleveland’s execution is less sharp than you would expect of a team of their caliber. So the game stays closer than it would have otherwise been.

However, the game is plagued is by some obviously bad officiating that seems to favor the Warriors, and there is even evidence that the officials are receiving favors from deep-pocketed Bay-area companies who would like for their team to win.

In this instance, do you say, “Oh, well, LeBron should have gotten it together and it wouldn’t have been an issue”? My guess is that you’re going to focus on the more sinister goings-on. And there’s a very valid reason for that.

It is Hillary’s (and her team’s) prerogative to make bad strategic choices. Regardless of how pure her intentions are for wanting to claim the presidency, the election itself is pure strategy–you can’t help run the country unless you actually win the election. The strategy can seem cold and soulless at times, but it’s the legitimate, internal workings of the campaign and election processes.

The head of the FBI delivering unsolicited opinions on your behavior is not part of the process. That same person issuing an oddly-timed FYI days before the election that leaves a cloud of doubt over your actions is not part of the process. A hostile foreign government deliberately propagating disinformation about you is not part of the process.

There are reasons that are incidental (like the weather), inherent (like strategy), and inappropriate (like meddling). To suggest that Hillary should dwell on the obvious conclusion that a better strategy would have caused her to win (because, really, when has that ever NOT been the case in any competitive election?) instead of the more alarming, unethical, and likely illegal reasons that caused her to lose is to confine her to the same straitjacket imposed on her during the election. At that time, she was implored to just talk about how qualified and engaged she was with the American people while ignoring a herd of elephants in the room, including: Trump is an incompetent ass, Russia is spreading lies about her, and James Comey has gotten this idea that he is responsible for the tone of the election discourse.

It’s actually more than a little insulting to me that so many voices are still telling her (with a possible emphasis on the feminine pronoun) what she should be thinking and saying. CNN’s Chris Cillizza joining the chorus this week was a bit surprising.

It is difficult for me to understand the avalanche of criticism, even among people ostensibly on her side, that confronts every self-possessed attempt that Clinton makes to stand her ground.

It’s probably sexism. But I’ll withdraw my presumption of sexism from your consideration when all the pundits withdraw their presumption of being able to tell a woman who is a private citizen what she should think about something that happened to her personally.

Carnival Doesn’t Suck, But Boy Did They Have a Bad Day

I am not rescinding the beaming endorsement I gave last fall to cruise vacations on this here blog, and implicitly, the beaming endorsement of Carnival Cruise Lines. We have had seven pretty wonderful cruises with them.

But then on the last sea day of our cruise last month, something perplexing happened: they appeared to forget themselves. Allow my correspondence with Carnival to speak for itself.


From: Micah McCoin <my email address>

Subject: Incident aboard Carnival Fantasy

Date: April 29, 2017 at 1:35:08 PM EDT

To: <Director of Guest Services email address>

Ms. Marichal,

I debarked from a cruise aboard the Carnival Fantasy two days ago. My very first cruise was three and a half years ago aboard the same ship, and I was hooked. The combination of hospitality, value, and fun have brought me back multiple times—my and my partner’s eighth cruise together on Carnival is booked for September.

However, an incident aboard the ship on the last sea day of our cruise (Wednesday, April 26) has caused me to question my loyalty to Carnival. After so much talk about being part of the “Carnival family” and our cruise director Mikey “having your back” (and other variations on that theme among our other cruise directors), I thought that we were actually sailing among friends, or at least with a staff that was well-trained to respond to our actual needs as opposed to just the easy, inconsequential ones.

My partner Hasahn and I were planning on a relaxing final afternoon aboard the ship. We had just finished lunch and went to lounge in one of the hot tubs on the Serenity Deck. Upon my legs entering the water, I immediately felt some discomfort, which I attributed to the water temperature being high. Soon, a spot on my foot began to burn, so within minutes, I propped one foot up out of the water. After another few minutes, I was distinctly uncomfortable and decided I was not going to be able to relax there.

I went to sit down in a lounge chair on the deck and soon noticed that the skin on my legs was tight, shiny and leathery. I thought it was odd but assumed I just needed some moisturizing. I left Hasahn in the hot tub to go to the room and lotion up. I spent almost an hour in the room rubbing lotion on my legs, finally noticing that my skin was lightly peeling. I also saw some of my leg hair had curled up and matted, as if I had spilled something sticky on them. Overall, my legs felt better, so I was ready to go back out.

When I returned to the Serenity Deck, Hasahn was gone and there was a net over the hot tub. It took me over half an hour to track him down and discover that he had been to Guest Services twice and the medical center to get treatment for chemical burns. Clearly and unmistakably there was something wrong with the water, but Guest Services, who are always eager to hand out coupons and credits when something inconsequential goes “wrong” (like we didn’t get our VIFP pin), was stone-faced and unsympathetic.

We went back to Guest Services one last time at 8pm and spoke to the Guest Services manager (Hasahn will be sending his own email and has all the names of the staff we spoke to, along with the medical records from the ship and photo evidence of his injuries) who was bewildered and appeared unable to do anything but repeat what appears to be a scripted response to avoid saying anything which would admit liability on the part of Carnival.

I say this was scripted because it was so oddly out-of-character for a team that is usually jumping out of its skin trying to please passengers, and because everyone said exactly the same two things: 1) there is a sign on the hot tub saying that you shouldn’t stay in longer than 15 minutes; 2) the water was tested and it was within acceptable levels of chlorine. I have issues with both these statements. As a Guest Services team, your job is not to quote numbers and regulations to the guests—it is to understand guest issues and resolve them. That being said, both of these statements are inherently problematic.

As a bit of background, I’m an accountant and a very thorough, analytical, by-the-book type of person. I read everything. In seven cruises, I have never taken the time to identify and read this “sign” about the time limit for hot tubs, and that could be my oversight. However, if I haven’t seen it, I can guarantee that thousands of other guests haven’t seen it. I suspect it’s buried in a list of 10 or more rules that are posted inconspicuously on the side of the pool. If so, that doesn’t count as a “sign.” A sign would be something like, “>15MIN” and an X through it. Further, it’s very disingenuous to quote this rule to guests (especially injured guests) when the staff is aware of and encourages long soaks in the hot tub by taking drink orders at the hot tub and taking longer than 15 minutes to come back with the drinks.

The most unbelievable part of being told this over and over again was that no one actually ever asked Hasahn how long he had been in the hot tub. They immediately shifted the blame for his injuries on him. For my part, I was certainly not in the hot tub over 15 minutes and I received a brisk chemical peel and several bleached leg hairs (and some fell out). I was never in any severe discomfort, but there’s no way that any reasonable standard of “acceptable levels” of chlorine would involve me being in there just a few minutes and coming out with leathery, cracked skin.

I also take issue with a range of “acceptable levels” of chlorine that would allow us to stay in the water for well over 15 minutes (as we did on the first sea day) with absolutely no ill effects and then, three days later, almost immediately singed the hairs off our legs (and several other guests who were treated by the medical center on Wednesday). This is a dangerously large range of “acceptable,” and needs to be recalibrated.

But this email is, more than anything else, about the customer service angle of this situation. Running a cruise ship is a complicated operation, and mistakes are made. Sometimes these mistakes even injure people. But there has to be a better way to communicate and resolve these issues with your customers than what we experienced. Our guest experience on the last day of the cruise was severely compromised and almost entirely ruined. (It was almost midnight before I started having fun again after the distress from that afternoon, and Hasahn continues to deal with pain, itching, peeling and discomfort three days later.)

Finally, it must be noted that as much goodwill as I’ve spread among my friends and family about Carnival over the past three years, I feel it is even more important to let them know (and others, as well) exactly where they stand when they find themselves in our situation. To this point, it seems clear that Carnival has no interest in resolving this issue for us individually or improving its procedures going forward. We were not and have not been contacted by anyone the morning of debarkation or since, even though the manager we spoke to said that her supervisor would be available at that time. Under that assumption, we will continue to share this anecdote as an open-ended warning to anyone who might feel tempted to buy into the “Carnival family.” After our September cruise (already booked and partially paid), our plans to continue cruising with Carnival are much less certain.

I look forward to your response. Thanks for your time and attention.


Micah McCoin




So… we had already been through a bit of an ordeal and a lot of indifference. Then, this reply came through:


On May 3, 2017, at 3:24 PM, Carnival Cruise Lines <> wrote:

Dear Micah,
Thank you for writing to Ms. Marichal regarding your recent cruise aboard the Carnival Fantasy. Your email has been forwarded to my attention and I appreciate the opportunity to respond.

I would first like to take this opportunity to thank you and your partner for your continued support. Carnival’s success depends on solid repeat business and we certainly appreciate your choosing to sail with us once again.

Carnival sets the stage for high standard in the quality of services that we provide to our guests and it is with much regret that we read the details of your email outlining your disappointment.

As loyal guests, we’re extremely sorry to hear about the experience you and Hasahn had this time around. We sincerely hope that by receipt of this email, you have both fully recovered and are no longer experiencing the symptoms you have described. The safety and wellbeing of our guests are at the forefront of our mind on all cruises, with making sure you have a fun and memorable vacation coming close second.

We hope that you will both accept our sincere apologies for the disappointment you experienced with the demeanor of the Guest Services staff members you encountered on board. Please know that the behavior you described is not the norm and definitely not what we expect of our staff.

That being said, we would like to address some of the specific concerns outlined in your email to Ms. Marichal. We sincerely apologize if you missed it, but there is a large, circular sign by the whirlpool in question that indicates “Serenity – Adult Only Retreat – Whirlpool Rules…Use of the whirlpool should not exceed 15 minutes…” There are, however, several rules and guidelines listed on the same sign. Additionally, according to our records, although all whirlpools on board undergo strictly scheduled maintenance and testing, a reading was taken within minutes of receiving Hasahn’s complaint, and all chemical levels were found to be within acceptable range. While we sincerely apologize for your discomfort, there is no indication of abnormal chemical levels in the Serenity whirlpool at the time Hasahn’s complaint was received.

Micah, Carnival Cruise Line depends on insightful comments from our valued guests to improve our service and ensure relaxing, FUN-filled cruises for all sailing guests in the future. We sincerely thank you for sharing your experience with us, and assure you we will do everything possible to prevent similar occurrences in the future. As a gesture of goodwill, we’d like to offer you and Mr. Hasahn Aiken a 15% discount on a future 2 to 5 day Carnival cruise.

While there are a few restrictions like, holiday departures, cruises to Alaska, Australia, Europe, Hawaii and chartered sailings, etc., the offer is combinable with most fares. Additionally, our offer is limited to one per booking, is non-transferable, and applied to the cruise fare only, after you’ve paid the deposit. You’ll need to sail by May 3, 2019. After you have booked your cruise, please use the link below to provide us with the new booking information so we can process your cruise credit.

<hyperlink inserted here for this anemic, heavily restricted discount>

Micah, please don’t let this tarnish your opinion of us. We send our best wishes, and would love to welcome you and Hasahn back aboard another Fun Ship in the future.


Alicia Norman
Guest Care Specialist
Carnival Cruise Lines | 3655 NW 87th Avenue | Miami, FL 33178 |


In case you missed it, that’s nine lines of “we’re sorry for how they treated you” and ten lines of “but they were right so we’re going to repeat what they said back to you again.” So, on May 6, I sent the below reply:


Alicia/iCare team:

Thanks for your prompt response.

I am extremely disappointed in the content on the response. If the intent here was to restore our confidence in Carnival’s customer service, it did not succeed.

I find it unconscionable that a customer response team would STILL spend more time re-explaining to me how Carnival was not at fault than in addressing the customer service failure. Furthermore, the largest part of the customer service failure was the fact that that we had these same two points (chemical levels in the water & sign by the hot tub) re-explained to us twice onboard the ship. You apologize for the customer service failure, and then repeat that failure yourself.

Let me be clear. I already explained in my complaint that we were told (at least three times) that there was a sign on the whirlpool. I am not, nor have I ever, argued that a “sign” (or notice) was not posted on the whirlpool, so the continued inclusion of this already established fact in your response to me is irrelevant. My points are 1) I personally was not in the whirlpool over 15 minutes, and I also suffered mild burns; 2) no one asked Hasahn how long he had been in the hot tub before referencing the sign; and 3) Carnival’s own staff disregards this rule and encourages customers to disregard this rule by taking drink orders, fetching towels, etc., with the clear understanding that the guests will be in the whirlpool over 15 minutes.

Let me be clear on the other point. You write, “there is no indication of abnormal chemical levels in the Serenity whirlpool at the time Hasahn’s complaint was received.” Allow me to correct that statement: “There is no indication of abnormal chemical levels in the Serenity whirlpool at the time Hasahn’s complaint was received that Carnival is willing to acknowledge.”

Let me list some indications of abnormal chemical levels:

  • Hasahn’s medical report indicating treatment for chemical burns.
  • A line of customers at the medical center onboard the ship, all of whom were in the same whirlpool.
  • Numerous men (including Hasahn and me) with the hairs singed off of our legs or bleached.
  • The fact that we were in the same whirlpool three days earlier with no discomfort or ill effects.

Again, I have never contested the test results from the water, primarily because you haven’t disclosed them and I have no basis for disputing them because of lack of information. So having this repeated to us a third time is irrelevant and insulting. I am telling you, however, that an “indication of abnormal chemical levels” is not limited to a reading taken by a Carnival employee. All of the items listed above are clear indications that have been communicated to numerous members of your staff multiple times. Your failure to acknowledge them does not make them not indications. Therefore, I dispute your statement.

In light of all this, I find your gesture of “goodwill” condescending and inadequate. A cruise credit with a paragraph of limitations and special instructions on how to redeem, all worth about $100, is equal to what I could save by navigating the Carnival site for deals on my own (we booked with a $100 onboard credit for our upcoming cruise in September, as a point of reference).

I am copying and distributing this email to various quarters in hopes that someone will restore our faith in Carnival. I really want to give you guys every opportunity to repair the damage done. As a reliably low-maintenance, easy-to-please cruiser, I expect a little more than this on the rare occasion when I have an issue.


Micah McCoin


Now it’s almost two weeks later and there has been no further response. I copied several executives at Carnival on the last email, and not one of them or any of the members of their administrative/email-screening teams has seen fit to address our concerns. I’m not going to shoot myself in the foot and start booking more expensive cruises when Carnival continues to give the best value. As I stated to them, however, I think it’s only fair that people know exactly what they are paying for. And as soon as I can afford it, I’ll be shopping around vigorously with other cruise lines.

This isn’t the type of newsworthy anecdote that has even the remotest chance of going viral, but it’s now been made public, so I’ve fulfilled my end of the bargain and will return to my life. I am not a litigious person and do not believe it is ethical or moral to pursue damages in a case such as this, even though it may be doable. It’s just sad that Carnival would sacrifice their customer service commitment to avoid a liability issue.